Yes It Was Trauma, So Now What?

There is no human alive that has not experienced trauma, to a greater or lesser extent. Being in a physical body automatically predisposes us to being traumatized by the mere act of living. The word 'trauma' has become a commonplace word in our modern day vocabulary rather than a rarity. The trauma cup runneth over.

It is important that a person does more than simply identify a trauma that happened to them or to someone close to them. There needs to be action taken reasonably soon after it occurs that is designed to help a person navigate and adjust to their new reality. If this does not happen, the trauma becomes an ingrained part of the personality and it can also become the wall that keeps others out in the long run. Essentially, a person begins to identify themselves by his/her wound rather than by the beautiful qualities they do embody.

In my own life, I had a long-term trauma, a repetitive emotional rejection, due to spending 3+ decades grappling with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. Imagine, if you will, dealing with not feeling well much of the time and on top of it, having to endure ridicule from disbelievers. And, what if the disbelievers are the people who are supposed to love you, but they feel they can't because they have decided that you are a malingerer? 

We are all human. Charity begins at home, we must take care of ourselves first and foremost. This is what I told myself for 35 years while doing any and every-thing to try to heal or correct what I knew was a real illness. I pushed myself, made a strong effort at having a 'normal' life, as defined by society, and secretly cried myself to sleep most nights. I would focus inward so as not to take on the full label others were slapping on me.

Fast forward to a few years ago. Finally, a diagnosis! It WAS something after all! I should be relieved, I should be happy, and able to relax. Instead, I was angry. I felt abused by many of the people in my life who had not believed that I was telling the truth, that I felt unwell and tired. I was carrying years of abuse memories, in fact, and didn't know how to process them. I wanted to lash out. This is what trauma causes. This is the dangerous part about allowing others to dictate to us what normal is, and how we 'should' be living or planning our lives.

So, let's put this all in perspective. Yes, it happened. Yes, the pain of the trauma was real. Yes, it was like a thief in the night, stealing my security, and also my sense of safety in the world. But how much more suffering did I want to endure, this time at my own hands, by playing the trauma on repeat in my mind and looking for an external point of blame? I had to come to a place within myself, an eye in the hurricane of what I was feeling, where I chose to get off the bus called 'The Past'. So I did. No longer did I want to allow the past to define my present or my future. 

As I exited the bus of the Past, I felt almost naked and immediately wanted to go back to what I was sure of, like a comfy old coat...the victim role. But I knew that doing so would mean surrendering my ability to move forward into the unknown with wonder and excitement. I'd be on the merry go round again. Safe but feeling like the failure that others had seen me as. A label I fought against for so long. 

In my mind's eye, I stood there and watched the 'trauma identity' bus pull away. Now what? The first thing to do would be to look around in the present moment. To take inventory of the peaceful, quiet place I currently stood upon. Hmm, not too bad. Then I decided to forgive, truly forgive, those people who didn't have all the facts. Because at that time neither did I! What a load off, dropping the heaviness of an identity that they had placed upon me, but one that was not me at all. 

And so I walked on toward the future, my load lighter, my heart more open, all possibilities in front of me. The idea is not to 'forget' that trauma happened, but to understand fully that it is not happening now. What is past has no life anymore unless I choose to give it breath.We are all stronger than we know; we're as strong as the force that created us, and only the Divine has the true right to pass judgement upon us.

And just so you know, The Divine does not judge, but observes and supports us as we fall on our faces and get back up, wiser. Yes, you, me, all of us, have been traumatized. But we must remember that we are not our bodies, we are not limited by this physical existence, and that every single little thing that happens to us has purpose. Find out what the purpose is by asking yourself honestly what you've learned from the trauma.  And always get back up. Because you can't move into the beautiful unknown without taking some action, however small. Focus forward, let the past fall away. It is not who you are anymore, and it does not need to take up residence beside, or inside of us on our journey.

Blessings Upon You All!

Reverend Paula ♥